I’m just existing. That’s a side effect of a close death I guess. The difference between living and dying is really not that big a leap.
This Covid lack of a future and future planning is suffocating.
Yesterday someone said that lavender cheers you up.
I wrote most of the songs for the collection ‘And as for loss..’ During Aoife’s illness.
Her fight against cancer and by extension my fight lasted 18 months.
I don’t understand when people seem to be offended by the phrase “battle with Cancer’.
Ours was a fight on all fronts and though I understand the power of language, under this pressure some nuanced phrases get fucked in the bin..
The next new low.
It’s not pessimism … it’s a reality. It may co-exist with the next new high, but that just didn’t apply to us.
We were told in no uncertain terms what our future (lack of) was.
Twenty-one-years of planning holidays comes to a halt.
I could only express this in song writing.
For me it was to block out the noise (there’s always hope, it’s amazing what they can do these days, la la la ).
The first line of the song sets up the trip that follows.
“I’m going to write a hit song, going to get us out of here”
Yeah right ..the next new low is coming
“Going to get you better”
Yeah right, the next new low is coming.
As for Hydra … that was originally the title for a song .. ‘Hector Y Did You Run Away.’
But then the vision of the beast came to me at night.
I recognized it for what it was. Cancer personified.
And I’ve seen it right up close,
But what gets to me the most,
Is I’ve seen it in my dreams,
Hydra’s teeth laughing at my screams for mercy
The Kind Kind Kind of people.
You meet heroes in the back of ambulances it’s true. People who do real stuff.
We discussed funeral arrangements.
Aoife asked me to play.
She asked me to write a happy song, knowing that I never could look in that direction.
You asked me to write a happy song
On the saddest day of our lives.
Well thats just like you
You do what you do.
I’ve never seen somebody laugh as much as you while they fight.
I’m losing you.
Six months now. A year of firsts. A lot of lessons learnt. A new wisdom.
And I feel quite stupid and not quite intelligent enough. Exposed, as my better half who I was always so proud to be beside has gone away.
I have to build now. My friends are close and music has kept the conversation going…