We’ll have to make our own supper, Fluffy. I don’t think mammy will be back soon, but I don’t know what we’ll make. Maybe mammy will be ok when she comes home. We’ll stay watching telly for a while so. It’s getting really late, Fluffy. There’s mammy in home now.
She sounds not ok, I think she knocked something over. Why are you still up, she asked me. My face was sore again. I shouldn’t have asked her for supper as soon as she got back in. Ungrateful. Sorry, mammy.
The teacher wants me to go to see the nurse again. She asks about the things I’m not allowed to say, though. What happened to your face, Angie? There were different men here now. They had bright green uniforms on. They brought another friend, a lady in a shirt. She smiled at me and got down on her knees in front of me. More of the same questions. I tried not to tell her but, I don’t know why, something she asked, I just started crying and told her that mammy isn’t ok sometimes when she comes back from the pub. It’s alright now Angie, that won’t happen again.
She brought me in her car somewhere. Where are we going? I asked her. Somewhere safe, Angie. Am I going home? I asked. Not right now, she said. I think she’s getting annoyed with me. She brought me to a strange, cold room and asked me more questions. A doctor was there. They asked and asked and asked. They gave me some pages and asked me to read them, but I couldn’t understand all of the words. They told me to sign them. Where is mammy? I asked. Don’t worry about that, Angie, the lady said, looking at the papers. But mammy will be worried about me if I’m not at the school gate at 3’o clock. They seemed bored of me and left me alone.
After a long time the door of the lonely room opened, and I felt excited, maybe mammy was here, maybe she brought Fluffy. It was the lady again. She seemed tired. Let’s go, Angie. Are we going home? I asked. You’re going to a new home for now. I was so hungry but I didn’t say anything to her, she already seemed so annoyed with me. I wondered when I could see Fluffy. I wondered when mammy would come to the new home. I tried to ask her but she was on the phone. She sounded tired.
She stopped the car at a strange house and I waited for her to get out but she just looked back at me and said go on, in you go. In… where? I asked. Into the house, Angie. I’ll be back tomorrow and we’ll get things sorted, she said. But I need Fluffy, I told her. What? Is that your pet? She sounded annoyed. He’s my teddy, I told her. We can’t get anything from your mother’s place right now, go on in and we’ll sort your stuff out later. Go on, Angie, I need to run.
I felt that scary grabbing feeling inside my chest like when mammy didn’t come home before it got dark. I wanted to hug Fluffy and talk to him about it, but the lady was getting cross with me so I opened the car door and got out. She drove away quickly and a man opened the house door as I stood there. I walked over to him quickly but he didn’t say hi to me, he just turned and went into the house so I followed after him. It was loud and messy and there were lots of mean looking kids inside so I stood inside the door until the man turned back around to me. Upstairs, you go. He sounded angry.
I got upstairs and he pushed my shoulders towards one of the bedrooms. It had three bunk beds. Top one yours, he said, pointing, and left me there alone. I climbed onto the bunk and sat on it for a while. I felt my face get wet and I tried to hug Fluffy, but he wasn’t there. I took the pillow from the bed and hugged it but it smelled so bad. I missed my mammy. I missed Fluffy. I was so hungry. Some loud teenage boys came into the room and started laughing when they seen me. They talked to each other but I didn’t understand what they were saying.
It got dark outside and I was more hungry than ever so I went downstairs even though I was so scared. There was a lot of smoke in the rooms downstairs, and there were lots of people all talking loudly, but I didn’t know what any of them were saying. I started feeling my face getting warm as I stood there. Maybe someone would ask me what I wanted for supper. Maybe somebody would say come now love, sit, sit, here’s a big bowl of tomato soup, your favourite, here’s a toasted cheese sandwich, I cut the crusts off for you, there’s a big glass of orange juice, drink as much as you want, I’ll pour you another one.
What you want? Huh? The man was standing over me, looking at me like I was in the way. Uhm, could I have some supper? I asked him. He laughed, and looked around at some of the other people in the room and said something to them that I couldn’t understand. They laughed too and I felt my cheeks getting warmer. I wondered if he had understood me. I wondered would supper come. Eat something, yes, he said suddenly, giving me a fright. He pointed at the fridge. I opened the door and saw lots of the same drinks mammy liked, the bad ones, more than I had ever seen before. There was some cheese slices and some milk. I wondered what I could have, and how I could have it. The man had gone into another room and the others had stopped looking at me. I felt my face start to get wet again so I closed the fridge door and went upstairs before anyone saw me.
I lay on the bed and hoped that I wouldn’t feel hungry too much if I was able to sleep. I wondered what I would wear since I didn’t have my pj’s. I wondered what mammy was doing, and if she was looking for me. I wondered was Fluffy worried about me, and wondering where I was, and if I was coming home soon. I felt the pillow grow wet around my face. Some other people came in to the room and they were so loud. I had my back turned to them and I pretended to be asleep. One of the girls said that’s some new one and I think she was talking about me. Mostly they talked in words I couldn’t understand.
All night long they kept coming in, and going out, and talking so loudly. I felt itchy and cold. I smelled smoke in the room, just like when mammy came home late. I felt the bed shake and heard the others laugh. It was so long until the voices grew quieter, until some of them left, and the others went into bed. The room grew quieter, but the tv was still so loud in one of the other rooms. I tried to wipe my eyes and blow my nose without making too much noise. I missed my mammy and I missed Fluffy. I wished he was here with me. I think maybe he can hear me the way God can hear me. Goodnight, Fluffy, I whispered, in case he could.
The next day the lady came back and took me for a drive. She said we had a court hearing. I asked where mammy is and the lady said she’d probably be at the court. I wouldn’t be going into the courtroom, but I’d be able to hear the case, she said. I was so excited to see mammy and go home again. Yesterday had been the worst day ever in my whole life. I was so excited to get home and eat yoghurts and watch something fun on telly and read my books and hug fluffy and tell him I was so sorry for not coming home sooner. When we got to the court it was really big and the lady seemed stressed. She told me to sit and wait in a room and I might be called to speak to the judge but probably not. I could hear what they were saying in the courtroom but I couldn’t see. There was a lot of boring talk and sniffing and coughing and waiting, but eventually I heard my name, and I heard the lady’s voice, and then a man talking to her.
So you’re seeking the emergency care order, and to be made guardian ad litem for the child?
That’s right, judge.
And it’s Tusla’s assessment that the mother is unfit to provide care to the child?
Yes judge, and the child made admissions of physical abuse by the mother. We have photos in the file there of the child’s injuries.
Yes, I’ve seen them. Tusla have somewhere for the child in the meantime?
Yes, judge, we have her in appropriate care in one of our SEA’s. She’s being looked after fully and adjusting well to being in a stable and caring environment. She’ll be attending school and be supported by ourselves and the care providers.
Good. The mother has lodged an appeal, I see.
Yes.
Mammy’s voice. I felt so excited. I tried to see into the room. I couldn’t wait to hug her. The judge asked mammy lots of questions and I heard her crying and making promises that it wouldn’t happen again, that she never meant to do anything like that, but the drinking, she was never going to again, and I knew she meant it. The judge cut across her while she was still speaking and I felt so annoyed.
That’s all well and good but given the evidence here I have no choice but to grant the applications made by Tusla. I am satisfied that the State has shown that it can fulfil its duty of care to the child. The care order is granted and we will review in six months.
The lady came back into the room. Let’s go, Angie, she said. Where’s mammy? I asked. You can’t see her now, come on, let’s go. I tried to find mammy as we walked back to the car and I felt my chest grabbing itself inside again. I’ll be able to get some of your stuff from home, the lady said. I want to just go home, I think I must have said it out loud. You can’t Angie. You know that. You’re safer now.
The lady dropped me back at the house and I sat down on the curb outside after she drove away and I cried and cried and cried until two of the men from the house came along the path and laughed as they walked by me. The lady came back later with a black bag that had my clothes in it and when I opened the bag Fluffy was on top and I hugged him so much. Fluffy I missed you I missed you. Are you ok? I’m sorry, Fluffy. He was so happy to see me and he helped me take all my clothes out of the black sack. They looked different here. They looked like they shouldn’t be here in this place. My favourite pink socks. Mammy picked them out special for me. I put everything in the closet but it was so dirty inside and smelled worse than outside.
Fluffy I wonder is it safe to go out and get supper now that everyone else is sleeping? Come on, let’s see. The TV is so loud still but the man is asleep in front of it, his bad drink still in his hand just like mammy when she fell asleep. Look at the time, Fluffy, its 3 in the morning! We should be in bed. There’s pizza here, Fluffy, it’s cold but it’s all there is. No juice in the fridge. We’ll have a glass of water. Come on, back to bed, we have school in the morning. The lady didn’t pack my schoolbag, I don’t know how I can bring you with me, but I’ll find a way. Goodnight, Fluffy.
When I woke up some of the older kids from the room were gone so I ran out of the room until I found a clock and saw that it was after 10. So late for school, why didn’t they wake me up? The girl from my room, the only one I can understand, said I’d have to make my own way to school. Get the bus, she said. I’ve never gotten the bus before, I told her. Well, school is shit anyway, she said. I didn’t tell her she shouldn’t curse. She made me a bowl of cereal for breakfast and we were the only ones in the kitchen. Where are the grown ups? I asked her. They don’t get up till around 2 or 3, she said. 2 or 3! I couldn’t believe it.
What’s your name? she asked me as we ate the cereal. Angie, what’s yours? Carly, she told me. Is Angie short for Angelica? she asked. She knows my full name! I nodded so fast and smiled at her. She smiled back. Do you ever go to school? I asked her. She shook her head and looked sad. I thought we were going to hang out all day and be friends but later on some men showed up and called her to go outside. They were old and scary looking. I didn’t understand what they were saying, but they wanted Carly to go with them and it seemed like she knew them. She looked so angry but went with them anyway. She didn’t come back that night. I looked around for a phone to call mammy but I couldn’t find one.
The next day I went to get the bus, but nobody else did and I couldn’t find where it was. I went out for a walk in the fields instead and saw lots of birds and even found a cat! He seemed scared at first but after a while he realised I was his friend and he came over to me for a few rubs. If we were at home I would bring him back to the house and mammy would give him a bit to eat, but I told him that he’ll be safer out here, and told him I’d bring him some food the next time. I stayed out as long as I could until it was dark outside and I was so hungry. When I went inside the men who had wanted Carly to go with them were in the living room and they stared at me when I came in. Two of them seemed to call for me to go in and the man who I think owned the house was laughing when they did that. I saw Carly sitting on the couch and I wanted to wave at her but she didn’t look up. She didn’t seem like she was looking at anything.
I kept trying to go to school but I couldn’t find my way. I would spend the days hiding in the fields, hoping I wouldn’t have to go back to the house. It was so loud all the time and I didn’t know what anyone was saying ever except Carly but she wasn’t around much, and when she was she didn’t want to talk to me. She really seemed like she didn’t even want me to be around at all when those men were there. I thought the busy lady would come to see me and take me to mammy but she didn’t. I wondered how long six months would be. I wondered would mammy come and find me sooner. I wondered if I could find my way back to mammy’s house if I started walking. We had drove for so long to come here I didn’t think I ever would. Then I’d get lost out in the fields.
I think I woke up again. Fluffy. There’s men in the room. It’s those same men. They were whispering, but so loudly that it was almost like shouting. Then I heard one of them say come, come on. Is it safe to turn around Fluffy? I don’t think so. Carly asked what the fuck do you want. Come on, the man said again, and he sounded angry. Where are they taking her, Fluffy?
Maybe we’ll see the kitty again today, Fluffy. We’ll bring him some milk, just in case, and see if we can find some food we can give him. The man stopped me suddenly before I went out. Where you go? he asked. Ehm… what should I say, Fluffy? Ehm, school, I think I said. He laughed. He looked at me, and then looked down all over me. He stared at me but when he didn’t say anything after a while I turned and left.
One day when I got back from my walk there were new people in my room, two men. They looked old but it seemed they were staying in our room which was only meant to be for kids and teenagers. I didn’t understand what they were saying but they kept looking at me and laughing as they talked to each other. They had suitcases and took one of the bunk beds between them. I asked them how old they were. They looked at each other and laughed. Seventeen, one of them said. The other one snickered and said yeah, seventeen, then they both laughed a lot. I wish we could go home, Fluffy.
Hey, come, I drive you school. The words gave me a fright because the man was there, awake, so early. He smelled like he shouldn’t be driving yet. That’s ok, I said. No, come, get in car, he said. We’ll have to get in the car I think, Fluffy. Come on, we’ll sit in the back and put our seatbelts on, that way we’ll be safer if anything happens. Can I get you some water before we go? I asked him. He looked at me like I was in the way again. Why the fuck I want water? he said. I didn’t bother telling him.
He drove so fast and so bad and I didn’t know which way was school exactly but I felt pretty sure he was going the wrong way. Would my friends even remember me? I hadn’t been to school in so long. Would my teacher let me back into class after missing so many lessons? I didn’t even have my uniform. We got into a town but I didn’t recognise anything. The man parked beside some houses, and I didn’t see school anywhere. Come, out. You go inside.
Remember we were in the kitchen having supper, Fluffy, and mammy made me scrambled eggs and toast. She cut the crusts off for me and poured me a big glass of orange juice. The radio was on in the kitchen and mammy was singing along, and after supper we went in and watched Corrie on the telly and ate crisps, and mammy made us tea and gave me mine with milk and two sugars, the way I like it. Then later on I went up to my room and read my book and when I was sleepy she tucked me in and made sure you were with me, Fluffy, and said goodnight love.
Hi Angie, my name is Detective Garda Brennan. I wanted to ask you some more questions about the things you were telling my colleagues is that ok? And your guardian here from Tusla can help with anything you might be unsure of. Now, we’ve spoken to the man that you made the claims about. He says that you came over to ask him for money and that you kissed him. He says that’s all that happened, and that you told him you were eighteen. Is that true, Angie?
I tried to say no but I felt my nose running and my face was getting wet again. I thought the lady would rub my shoulders and tell me it’s ok but she didn’t. The Garda just stared at me. Take your time, Angie, she said, but it sounded like she meant the opposite. I think I managed to say no, and the Garda talked some more. I couldn’t really understand everything she said and I really needed to blow my nose.
Angie if we go ahead with these claims you’ve made then there will be a trial, do you understand? You’ll have to give a statement on video that will be played up in the courtroom in front of the judge, and everyone else. The man will be able to cross examine you if he wants, and his solicitor probably will. Do you understand? They’ll ask you lots of very hard questions about the claims you’ve made. And you’ll have to answer them on video for the judge. Is that something you’ll be able to do?
I wiped my nose and asked will mammy be there. The garda looked up at the lady and I could see her shake her head.
When we go on holidays with mammy next time we have to get those ice creams again, Fluffy. You remember the ones we got last time, with the flakes in them? And the strawberry sauce. Those were so yummy. And we’ll get a big bag of chips with salt and vinegar, and eat them by the sea again, just like last time, and we’ll go for a swim and play on the beach after, and mammy will smile at me and say wow, you’re so good at building sandcastles, love.
Image: Daniele Idini
